EST. EVERY SINGLE PRESS CONFERENCE
The Official National Archive & Cataloging Service
ESTIMATED TEARS SHED (LIVE COUNT)
and counting… one drop at a time
📜 THE SACRED TIMELINE OF TEARS
A young, 6th-round nobody wins the Super Bowl. America watches a grown man cry on national TV for the first time. We had no idea this was merely the pilot episode.
Beats the Panthers. Cries again. Nation begins to suspect this man may have unusually active tear ducts. Scientists take note.
The helmet catch. The perfect season, gone. Tom reportedly filled an entire Gatorade cooler. This one still stings so badly he cries about it during unrelated interviews 15 years later.
Suspended 4 games over ball PSI. Tom cried not from sadness, but because someone dared question his integrity. The tears were measured at a furious 98.6°F.
Down 28-3. Comes back. Wins in OT. Cries so hard the Lombardi Trophy needed a towel. Researchers estimate this single event raised sea levels by 0.003mm.
Asked about his father. Completely loses it mid-sentence. The interview chair had to be replaced. This clip alone accounts for 40% of YouTube's tear-related content.
Left the Patriots after 20 years. Posted an essay on Instagram. All of New England cried with him. Combined tear output briefly overwhelmed Boston's storm drains.
Retires. Cries. Unretires 40 days later. In hindsight, these tears were merely a dress rehearsal. The man was just warming up his ducts.
Really retires this time. Probably. Video message with his kids. The collective moisture in the air caused weather advisories in three states.
Netflix roast. Got demolished by everyone. Laughed so hard he cried, or cried so hard he laughed — scientists are still debating. Nikki Glaser made him question everything.
Tom now cries at a low, constant rate. Sunsets. His kids' games. Avocado ice cream commercials. The man is a perpetual moisture machine. This is his life now.
📊 CURRENT BRADY HYDRATION STATUS
Despite crying 24/7, doctors confirm he remains "impossibly hydrated"
thanks to his TB12 electrolyte regimen
💬 EXPERT TESTIMONY
One more Super Bowl ring and we could've filled Lake Michigan.
— Dr. Harold Weeps, MIT Fluid Dynamics Lab
He called me crying about retirement. I said 'Tom, you retired two years ago.' He said 'I know' and kept crying.
— Bill Belichick (also crying)
I've seen him cry at a Subway commercial. Not even a sad one. It was about a footlong deal.
— Rob Gronkowski, Former Teammate & Emotional Support Friend
My models indicate that if Tom Brady had played one more season, Florida would have experienced a localized flood event.
— NOAA Climate Researcher (requested anonymity)
🛒 OFFICIAL MERCH (WATERPROOF)